"Introducing Mr. Simon McLaren." Those word have been running through my mind the past 48 hours. Just a few days ago, that would have been "Introducing Mr & Mrs Simon McLaren" , or "LCDR & Mrs…" as Sonya's Grandmommy would always address her cards, Or "Simon & Sonya.." But today there is no "Simon AND", just Simon.
I have never blogged really. I have a blog of photos that I am proud of, but have posted only a few pictures. No, this is different. This will be, or may be, an effort for me to express feelings that I am going through after losing my wife to breast cancer. Some of you knew Sonya and have followed her 4 & 1/2 year journey for a while. But what you need to know... is that I had the opportunity to be married to the finest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing for just over 8 & 1/2 years.
Her loss came quickly in some respects, her condition deteriorating rapidly in the last 3-4 weeks of her life. Watching that decline, and not knowing if God would choose to heal her was probably the second hardest thing I have ever had to endure. The first is were I am now - moving on, figuring out who just "Simon McLaren" is again.
I have thought about it and I think that if Sonya and I had had a bad marriage, one where we fought often, caused each other pain or tore one another down, I might be relieved to have been released from my wedding vows. But that was not the case, I don't know if two people have ever had a type of marriage that we did. She was an amazing wife, she read me so well and was so supportive of me, I had no reason to want to be released, in fact the opposite - I want to be married to Sonya for the rest of my life, only that is no longer possible. I am thankful and I do indeed count it a privilege to have been the love of her life, I just wish I did not have to say Good Bye and let her go.
Saturday we held a beautiful Celebration of Her Life in Monterey. As other stood up to share memories and describe what they recalled about her, I was amazed to hear some of the descriptions - a formidable negotiator, a tough cookie, a fierce competitor. You see I never saw that side of her directed at me. Toward me she was loving, supportive, caring, attentive and submissive. In fact, I think it was the combination of those characteristics directed at me, that made it so easy to love her. And for me, that love caused me to be very sensitive to her needs and wants. While she was independent, she was always willing to submit her will to the direction I led. She did know how to influence me and often I would change my mind based on her input - not because she threatened or manipulated me, but because I loved her and respected her opinion - even when I was not sure if I agreed. I believe we had a great marriage, maybe not perfect, but as good as I would ever dare to hope for.
So her passing leaves me with an enormous void in my heart and life. However, before her passing she encouraged me, and made sure I knew she want me to move on quickly and to allow someone else to fill that hole, as quickly as I was whole enough to love someone new like I had loved her. Those talks over the last 4 years of her life were some of the most difficult discussions we ever had. While we hoped and prayed for healing for her on this earth, we also knew that the natural courser of her cancer would eventually end in her going home to be with the Lord much earlier that either of us had planned. In those talks, she let me know, that she was aware of how much I would need a partner, a companion and a lover in this life after she was gone. And she made sure I knew that she was ok with it and did not want me to linger in the sorrow of losing her, any longer than necessary.
Emotionally, I am having moments where I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that our Lord and Savior must be carrying me and not allowing me feel the crushing blow of losing her and other moments (much more typical at night) where I feel like my heart is going to explode from the emptiness her going home has left in my heart. In those quite moments, my mind begins to wander and I am overwhelmed by emotions and fear of not being able to see the path to recovery or happiness.
So many things have lost meaning without her here. Making the budget, washing dishes, cooking, shopping - or anything else, are hard right now. They all feel so hollow, and I am constantly asking what would Sonya want or if she would approve… and then it hits me - it no longer matters. Those decisions no longer effect her, they now only effect me,... and the tears roll.
I don't think I ever realized just how much deference to her I would pay. So now, I am trying to remind myself of the "principles" we agreed to that drove her responses. Principles I agreed with, and probably still agree with, even if they now only apply to me. Principles taught by the Word of God that I believe to be true. But emotionally, I still just think - "Would Sonya approve?"
I find myself trying to draw my strength from the Lord. In fact I believe I am doing as well as I am because he is providing strength and comfort. But, even though He is doing so - the grief and loss are still overwhelming at time during the day and often through large periods of the night.
Today (Tuesday) we will hold a second celebration of life for Sonya, this time in my home town of Alamosa, Co and we will compete the memorial services by laying her remains to rest there. And then, as all the activity of planning for those services come to an end and as my family and her family return back to their lives, I will be back home, in the house were she & I lived together, without the immediate support of all those people.
Over the past two weeks, since we had brought Sonya home, I had the privilege and comfort of being able to ask almost anyone in the family to accompany me as I took a walk around the neighborhood. I found those talks therapeutic emotionally. The walks may not have fixed everything, but it gave me a safe place to vent the tension that was constantly building. They also served to allow those family members to remind me of God's promises and his character - those reminders are necessary and must be repeated with tenderness.
Paul said he would "forget the former things, and reach for things ahead." The thing is, I am not sure what is ahead that I can be reaching for. And of the things I hope are ahead, I want to be sure I focus on the right things, rather than things that may not come quickly. As for forgetting the former things… I'm not sure I am able to forget or even want to forget. I think I want to hold the memories I have close and not let them slip away. So I find myself not knowing what to reach for and not wanting to forget…
The Lord will Never Leave you or forsake you. While I know this is true, and I am indeed grateful for this promise and His presence. So far I have never experienced Him filling the void in my heart that Sonya filled. That void, the one for a partner in life, has existed even when my walk for the Lord was strongest as a single man.
So we come to the real reason I am posting to the blog - I ask for your prayers for me. To remind you that while her Journey has ended, mine has just altered its "heading," so to speak. So here are my prayer requests:
- That God will continue to provide comfort,
- That God will raise up friends around me in Monterey that help to provide companionship and are willing and able to listen to my heart as I express this loss - my way of dealing includes expressing a lot of my thought verbally,
- That God would give those that listen the right words and tenderness to point me back to him as my emotions come out and may cause me stumble,
- That God would heal me and carry me through the grief that is undoubtedly ahead,
- For my future spouse, that He would bring us together when the time is right and that she would be Sonya's equal and be able to be understanding of the love I will always have for Sonya, without feeling threatened by it,
- That if I must be understanding of a similar loss in her life, that God would prepare my heart to be understanding and un-jealous or unthreatened as well,
- And the comfort and patience to wait for God's timing with regard to to a new partner
- For vision of where my life goes now and in the future.
For the last 9 years, my vision of life included Sonya - now it no longer does. I haven't been able to make that mental adjustment yet. I still refer to everything as "our this" or "our that."
For the past 4 & 1/2 years, I have placed my individual social life "on hold" in order to be there for Sonya. Sonya on the other hand, whenever she was feeling well, would go out with her friends - Mary Kay meetings and conferences, Girls night out, her Cancer Support groups, Bunco nights… I never felt the freedom to commit to groups as I knew I would need to withdraw the next time she did not feel well. The result is that I do not have deep individual friendships built and family will be very far away. So filling the idle time with friends is something that may be difficult.
I am so very grateful for the friends Sonya and I have, that have offered to be there in anyway they can. I plan to take them up on it. Some have even offered to have me spend the night whenever the house is just too empty. Many have offered to have me over for dinner. People who I have not known all that well have also offered to have me over. For those invitations I am grateful and if you are in either of these groups, or are willing to be, please reach out to me and extend those invitations… because I may have forgotten your offer or not know how to reach you. For the Calvary Chapel family, I especially covet your support. To my life group, you guys have been awesome! I am sure you will continue to be there. Just know that there are many more nights of tears ahead for me - and for you as you continue to be there for me.
Over the past week the flood of communication via txt msg and facebook post and messages has been extremely encouraging. I would ask that you all drop me a not from time to time, to see how I am doing and to offer words of encouragement.
