Introducing Simon McLaren

"Introducing Mr. Simon McLaren."  Those word have been running through my mind the past 48 hours.  Just a few days ago, that would have been "Introducing Mr & Mrs Simon McLaren" , or "LCDR & Mrs…" as Sonya's Grandmommy would always address her cards, Or "Simon & Sonya.."  But today there is no "Simon AND", just Simon.

I have never blogged really.  I have a blog of photos that I am proud of, but have posted only a few pictures.  No, this is different. This will be, or may be, an effort for me to express feelings that I am going through after losing my wife to breast cancer.  Some of you knew Sonya and have followed her 4 & 1/2 year journey for a while.  But what you need to know... is that I had the opportunity to be married to the finest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing for just over 8 & 1/2 years.  

Her loss came quickly in some respects, her condition deteriorating rapidly in the last 3-4 weeks of her life.  Watching that decline, and not knowing if God would choose to heal her was probably the second hardest thing I have ever had to endure.  The first is were I am now - moving on, figuring out who just "Simon McLaren" is again.

I have thought about it and I think that if Sonya and I had had a bad marriage, one where we fought often, caused each other pain or tore one another down, I might be relieved to have been released from my wedding vows.  But that was not the case, I don't know if two people have ever had a type of marriage that we did. She was an amazing wife, she read me so well and was so supportive of me,  I had no reason to want to be released, in fact the opposite - I want to be married to Sonya for the rest of my life, only that is no longer possible. I am thankful and I do indeed count it a privilege to have been the love of her life, I just wish I did not have to say Good Bye and let her go.

Saturday we held a beautiful Celebration of Her Life in Monterey. As other stood up to share memories and describe what they recalled about her, I was amazed to hear some of the descriptions - a formidable negotiator, a tough cookie, a fierce competitor.  You see I never saw that side of her directed at me.  Toward me she was loving, supportive, caring, attentive and submissive.  In fact, I think it was the combination of those characteristics directed at me, that made it so easy to love her.  And for me, that love caused me to be very sensitive to her needs and wants.  While she was independent, she was always willing to submit her will to the direction I led.  She did know how to influence me and often I would change my mind based on her input - not because she threatened or manipulated me, but because I loved her and respected her opinion - even when I was not sure if I agreed.  I believe we had a great marriage, maybe not perfect, but as good as I would ever dare to hope for.

So her passing leaves me with an enormous void in my heart and life.  However, before her passing she encouraged me, and made sure I knew she want me to move on quickly and to allow someone else to fill that hole, as quickly as I was whole enough to love someone new like I had loved her.  Those talks over the last 4 years of her life were some of the most difficult discussions we ever had.  While we hoped and prayed for healing for her on this earth, we also knew that the natural courser of her cancer would eventually end in her going home to be with the Lord much earlier that either of us had planned. In those talks, she let me know, that she was aware of how much I would need a partner, a companion and a lover in this life after she was gone.  And she made sure I knew that she was ok with it and did not want me to linger in the sorrow of losing her, any longer than necessary.

Emotionally, I am having moments where I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that our Lord and Savior must be carrying me and not allowing me feel the crushing blow of losing her and other moments (much more typical at night) where I feel like my heart is going to explode from the emptiness her going home has left in my heart.  In those quite moments, my mind begins to wander and I am overwhelmed by emotions and fear of not being able to see the path to recovery or happiness.

So many things have lost meaning without her here.  Making the budget, washing dishes, cooking, shopping - or anything else, are hard right now.  They all feel so hollow, and I am constantly asking what would Sonya want or if she would approve… and then it hits me - it no longer matters. Those decisions no longer effect her, they now only effect me,... and the tears roll.  

I don't think I ever realized just how much deference to her I would pay.  So now, I am trying to remind myself of the "principles" we agreed to that drove her responses.  Principles I agreed with, and probably still agree with, even if they now only apply to me.  Principles taught by the Word of God that I believe to be true.  But emotionally, I still just think - "Would Sonya approve?"

I find myself trying to draw my strength from the Lord.  In fact I believe I am doing as well as I am because he is providing strength and comfort.  But, even though He is doing so - the grief and loss are still overwhelming at time during the day and often through large periods of the night.

Today (Tuesday) we will hold a second celebration of life for Sonya, this time in my home town of Alamosa, Co and we will compete the memorial services by laying her remains to rest there.  And then, as all the activity of planning for those services come to an end and as my family and her family return back to their lives, I will be back home, in the house were she & I lived together, without the immediate support of all those people. 

Over the past two weeks, since we had brought Sonya home, I had the privilege and comfort of being able to ask almost anyone in the family to accompany me as I took a walk around the neighborhood.  I found those talks therapeutic emotionally.  The walks may not have fixed everything, but it gave me a safe place to vent the tension that was constantly building. They also served to allow those family members to remind me of God's promises and his character - those reminders are necessary and must be repeated with tenderness.

Paul said he would "forget the former things, and reach for things ahead." The thing is, I am not sure what is ahead that I can be reaching for.  And of the things I hope are ahead, I want to be sure I focus on the right things, rather than things that may not come quickly.  As for forgetting the former things… I'm not sure I am able to forget or even want to forget.  I think I want to hold the memories I have close and not let them slip away.  So I find myself not knowing what to reach for and not wanting to forget…

The Lord will Never Leave you or forsake you.  While I know this is true, and I am indeed grateful for this promise and His presence. So far I have never experienced Him filling the void in my heart that Sonya filled.  That void, the one for a partner in life, has existed even when my walk for the Lord was strongest as a single man.

So we come to the real reason I am posting to the blog -  I ask for your prayers for me.  To remind you that while her Journey has ended, mine has just altered its "heading," so to speak.  So here are my prayer requests:

1. That God will continue to provide comfort,
2. That God will raise up friends around me in Monterey that help to provide companionship and are willing and able to listen to my heart as I express this loss - my way of dealing includes expressing a lot of my thought verbally,
3. That God would give those that listen the right words and tenderness to point me back to him as my emotions come out and may cause me stumble,
4. That God would heal me and carry me through the grief that is undoubtedly ahead,
5. For my future spouse, that He would bring us together when the time is right and that she would be Sonya's equal and be able to be understanding of the love I will always have for Sonya, without feeling threatened by it,
6. That if I must be understanding of a similar loss in her life, that God would prepare my heart to be understanding and un-jealous or unthreatened as well,
7. And the comfort and patience to wait for God's timing with regard to to a new partner
8. For vision of where my life goes now and in the future.

For the last 9 years, my vision of life included Sonya - now it no longer does.  I haven't been able to make that mental adjustment yet.  I still refer to everything as "our this" or "our that."  

For the past 4 & 1/2 years, I have placed my individual social life "on hold" in order to be there for Sonya.  Sonya on the other hand, whenever she was feeling well, would go out with her friends - Mary Kay meetings and conferences, Girls night out, her Cancer Support groups,  Bunco nights…  I never felt the freedom to commit to groups as I knew I would need to withdraw the next time she did not feel well.  The result is that I do not have deep individual friendships built and family will be very far away.  So filling the idle time with friends is something that may be difficult.

I am so very grateful for the friends Sonya and I have, that have offered to be there in anyway they can.  I plan to take them up on it.  Some have even offered to have me spend the night whenever the house is just too empty.  Many have offered to have me over for dinner.  People who I have not known all that well have also offered to have me over.  For those invitations I am grateful and if you are in either of these groups, or are willing to be, please reach out to me and extend those invitations… because I may have forgotten your offer or not know how to reach you.  For the Calvary Chapel family, I especially covet your support.  To my life group, you guys have been awesome! I am sure you will continue to be there. Just know that there are many more nights of tears ahead for me - and for you as you continue to be there for me.

Over the past week the flood of communication via txt msg and facebook post and messages has been extremely encouraging.  I would ask that you all drop me a not from time to time, to see how I am doing and to offer words of encouragement.

Celebrations of Life for Sonya McLaren

Celebrations of Life for Sonya McLaren

Monterey Memorial-Saturday,10/6, 2pm @ Calvary Chapel of Monterey Bay 3001 Salinas Highway, Monterey, CA 93940

Alamosa Memorial/Internment- Tue. Alamosa, CO 81101.
Time and location are TBD

Sonya has gone home

On October 2nd, Sonya experienced the miracle of complete to enteral healing from her cancer.  She went home to begin eternity with her Lord and Savior!  Depending on your perspective, this is either an amazing miracle or deafening loss.  From my perspective it is both!

In life Sonya was an amazing person, who allowed the love of Christ to shine through her actions and relationships with all of you.  She loved life, her friends and family.  As her husband, I am well aware that much of her 4 & 1/2 year battle was fought out of her love for me!  She was never afraid of going home, rather she fought to prevent me from suffering loss and grief.  As her husband, I am proud of how she fought, how she lived, and more importantly where she found her strength to live - In Christ.

She and I were blessed to have a very full life in spite of the battle and were allowed to enjoy so many experiences together.

I am still in shock.  Even after having had 4+ years to prepare, I think I always expected that our God would provide healing this side of death for her.  So while I have been thinking about how I would handle her death for a long time, I also find myself trying to accept the Sovereignty of God in our lives in his decision to take her home.

I am surrounded by family, both Sonya's and mine.  I am so thankful for their support and I am already hoping that their support will remain tangible for some time to come, but acutely aware they all have responsibilities and families that will require them to return to their own lives.  I would ask that you all check in on me from time to time as you are enabled by our God to be a part of the support system I will need in the days, weeks, months and even years ahead.

I am excited to share that at about the same time as her passing a dear loved one accepted Christ and experienced His love!  I hope that this will be only the first of many lives that were so touched by the Love of Christ in her and will experience the unconditional love and reconciliation with God as a result.

I  suspect that this blog, Sonya's Journey, while I don't expect to rename it, may become more of a "Simon's Recovery after Sonya's Journey" sort of thing as I may choose to continue to post about my own Journey of grief and recovery.  I suspect, my story will not be as exciting or full of wonderful experiences or travels as Sonya's has been able to share with you all.  But it may serve to keep you all aware of how I am doing, and remind you to pray from me and family form time to time.  And someday, might serve to help someone else in their own journey.


In Christ,
Simon

Steps of Faith - Simon

(please forgive my typos)

Another week has gone by and it is time to provide an update to all of you who have been so faithful to pray for Sonya over the years and especially over the past two weeks as Sonya's journey has took a turn for the worse 2 weeks ago today.  Last Sunday, the Lord encouraged / directed me to bring Sonya home fast, not to accept the medical assessment that there was nothing that could be done, and to fight for her life.  In fact the direction from God's came in during a time of prayer asking God why he was allowing this all to happen. Why he had allowed her to come to point where the Dr was ready to send her home to be with her Lord…

The thought the Lord gave me was the following: "Who told you to stop fighting me for her? I might give her back."  I spent the better part of last Sunday trying to understand 2 things about that though:

1. Was it me trying to create hope?
2. If it was from God, what did it mean?

As the day went on, God reminded me that 4+ years ago, the very first place of treatment we went to was Health Quarters Ministries in Colorado Springs. In fact God provided all the finances to attend the week long program with them at that time.  With that reminder in my heart, it seemed as if God was asking me to use the tools he had shown to Sonya and I way back then.

The next battle for me was to keep my faith on God and not on the tools or method of fighting for ones health we had learned at Heath Quarters.  After all, the Lord has blessed me with one of these minds that tends to try and understand how things work.  And once it does understand it takes comfort in the "logic" of the understanding.  And all the techniques we learned at Health Quarters make sense at some level.  Again God answered with a thought, that all soldiers have weapons and learn to use them and to be efficient with them, and indeed He had provided these tools, and I was to use them and the logic of them was to serve as a reassurance that it was His leading.  But more importantly, that while solders use those weapons, the Battle itself belongs to the Lord.   With that in my heart, I no longer battled with were my faith was being placed.  It was ok for me to have/to know that the tools themselves could provide some benefit without removing my faith for God.

The rest of Sunday was spent seeking counsel from men of God. Men I trust to be honest and to respond with their perspective of God's Word, even if it might not be what I want to hear.  With each discussion, God confirmed that this was the right choice - a choice and step of faith.  

We were able to bring Sonya home mid-day Tuesday, and began to fight for her life via the simple tools we had available to us.  Nutrition, detoxification and diet.  

When Sonya came home her liver was on the verge of failure from cirrhosis.  Her legs in particular had begun to swell and she was retaining fluid in her abdomen at an alarming rate.  The medical community estimated day to max of two months before she would succumb to the liver failing and the trickle down effect that would have.

Beginning on Tuesday evening we began to provide nutrition in line with what we had learned, but were limited by her ability to hold down anything in her stomach.  We provided her small amounts of food and meal replacements when she was able to hold it down.  We also begin to adminster cleanses to help her body clean out the toxic load in her body.

Each day we could see the bilirubin level decrease and then build back up.  And with each day she regained a bit of strength and each night became harder for her.  On Wednesday evening, she was ready to go home to be with the Lord and frankly knocked on heaven's door asking to be allowed to enter.  

During this whole week, God was also working on my dart to show me that He had provided tools not only in the physical realm but also in the Spiritual realm.  Tools He showed to use were prayer (which so many around the world are already doing and continue to do… Please keep praying for Sonya) and fasting.  With that revelation we decided as a family to fast.

Thursday was a day of fasting by the members of the McLaren and Wessberg families as we sought God and asked for healing and that above all, He would be glorified in whatever his decision would be regarding Sonya's life.  We were amazed by the response via Facebook, where so many of our friends, and friends of the family stated that they would join us in fasting on Friday for Sonya's life.  I pray that each of you who were willing and able to join us, were met by your Lord and Savior in a unique way.  Again on Saturday, a few of us here in the home fasted again, continuing to seek God's help and healing.

His response:

Last night we administered a liver cleanse.  And it did not go so well.  While she was able to hold down a part of the cleansing ingredients (oil and lemon juice - sound so much easier to drink than it is!) for a couple of hours, by 9:30 pm she had thrown up most of that and the second ingredient as well.  Her pain level was extremely high and we stood by helpless to do anything other than pray for her.  In my mind, I thought there was no way she had retained enough of the cleanse ingredients to actually perform the liver cleanse and even now I am not convinced she did.  And with her pain level as high as it was - again. it looked like last night could have been the night she joined her Savior in Eternal rest.

This morning we awoke to a WOW! - PRAISE GOD! sight.  She was sleeping. Sleeping well ! - Sleep has not been easy for her to find and the swell in her legs from the thighs down was gone! Her heart rate has slowed a bit (This is a good thing as it had been working extremely hard for the past few weeks.)

We continue to allow her to rest today, trying to honor the concept of a day of rest.  And I continue to seek the Lord on the next step(s).  We don't know how complete the healing was from last night.  If it was directly from God, I suspect it is a complete healing.  If this is from the cleanse itself having had a positive effect, we still have a ways to go and continue to ask the Lord for a complete healing.

Regardless of where we are - we are praising Him this morning in the organized chaos that is the the McLaren / Wessberg household.  Along with what we have see God do in Sonya's life and with her health, He has also provided us all with so many sweet memories and joined two families in way that might not otherwise have been possible.  We stand in awe of our God and his continuing love for us!

In Christ,

Simon