Introducing Simon McLaren

"Introducing Mr. Simon McLaren."  Those word have been running through my mind the past 48 hours.  Just a few days ago, that would have been "Introducing Mr & Mrs Simon McLaren" , or "LCDR & Mrs…" as Sonya's Grandmommy would always address her cards, Or "Simon & Sonya.."  But today there is no "Simon AND", just Simon.

I have never blogged really.  I have a blog of photos that I am proud of, but have posted only a few pictures.  No, this is different. This will be, or may be, an effort for me to express feelings that I am going through after losing my wife to breast cancer.  Some of you knew Sonya and have followed her 4 & 1/2 year journey for a while.  But what you need to know... is that I had the opportunity to be married to the finest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing for just over 8 & 1/2 years.  

Her loss came quickly in some respects, her condition deteriorating rapidly in the last 3-4 weeks of her life.  Watching that decline, and not knowing if God would choose to heal her was probably the second hardest thing I have ever had to endure.  The first is were I am now - moving on, figuring out who just "Simon McLaren" is again.

I have thought about it and I think that if Sonya and I had had a bad marriage, one where we fought often, caused each other pain or tore one another down, I might be relieved to have been released from my wedding vows.  But that was not the case, I don't know if two people have ever had a type of marriage that we did. She was an amazing wife, she read me so well and was so supportive of me,  I had no reason to want to be released, in fact the opposite - I want to be married to Sonya for the rest of my life, only that is no longer possible. I am thankful and I do indeed count it a privilege to have been the love of her life, I just wish I did not have to say Good Bye and let her go.

Saturday we held a beautiful Celebration of Her Life in Monterey. As other stood up to share memories and describe what they recalled about her, I was amazed to hear some of the descriptions - a formidable negotiator, a tough cookie, a fierce competitor.  You see I never saw that side of her directed at me.  Toward me she was loving, supportive, caring, attentive and submissive.  In fact, I think it was the combination of those characteristics directed at me, that made it so easy to love her.  And for me, that love caused me to be very sensitive to her needs and wants.  While she was independent, she was always willing to submit her will to the direction I led.  She did know how to influence me and often I would change my mind based on her input - not because she threatened or manipulated me, but because I loved her and respected her opinion - even when I was not sure if I agreed.  I believe we had a great marriage, maybe not perfect, but as good as I would ever dare to hope for.

So her passing leaves me with an enormous void in my heart and life.  However, before her passing she encouraged me, and made sure I knew she want me to move on quickly and to allow someone else to fill that hole, as quickly as I was whole enough to love someone new like I had loved her.  Those talks over the last 4 years of her life were some of the most difficult discussions we ever had.  While we hoped and prayed for healing for her on this earth, we also knew that the natural courser of her cancer would eventually end in her going home to be with the Lord much earlier that either of us had planned. In those talks, she let me know, that she was aware of how much I would need a partner, a companion and a lover in this life after she was gone.  And she made sure I knew that she was ok with it and did not want me to linger in the sorrow of losing her, any longer than necessary.

Emotionally, I am having moments where I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that our Lord and Savior must be carrying me and not allowing me feel the crushing blow of losing her and other moments (much more typical at night) where I feel like my heart is going to explode from the emptiness her going home has left in my heart.  In those quite moments, my mind begins to wander and I am overwhelmed by emotions and fear of not being able to see the path to recovery or happiness.

So many things have lost meaning without her here.  Making the budget, washing dishes, cooking, shopping - or anything else, are hard right now.  They all feel so hollow, and I am constantly asking what would Sonya want or if she would approve… and then it hits me - it no longer matters. Those decisions no longer effect her, they now only effect me,... and the tears roll.  

I don't think I ever realized just how much deference to her I would pay.  So now, I am trying to remind myself of the "principles" we agreed to that drove her responses.  Principles I agreed with, and probably still agree with, even if they now only apply to me.  Principles taught by the Word of God that I believe to be true.  But emotionally, I still just think - "Would Sonya approve?"

I find myself trying to draw my strength from the Lord.  In fact I believe I am doing as well as I am because he is providing strength and comfort.  But, even though He is doing so - the grief and loss are still overwhelming at time during the day and often through large periods of the night.

Today (Tuesday) we will hold a second celebration of life for Sonya, this time in my home town of Alamosa, Co and we will compete the memorial services by laying her remains to rest there.  And then, as all the activity of planning for those services come to an end and as my family and her family return back to their lives, I will be back home, in the house were she & I lived together, without the immediate support of all those people. 

Over the past two weeks, since we had brought Sonya home, I had the privilege and comfort of being able to ask almost anyone in the family to accompany me as I took a walk around the neighborhood.  I found those talks therapeutic emotionally.  The walks may not have fixed everything, but it gave me a safe place to vent the tension that was constantly building. They also served to allow those family members to remind me of God's promises and his character - those reminders are necessary and must be repeated with tenderness.

Paul said he would "forget the former things, and reach for things ahead." The thing is, I am not sure what is ahead that I can be reaching for.  And of the things I hope are ahead, I want to be sure I focus on the right things, rather than things that may not come quickly.  As for forgetting the former things… I'm not sure I am able to forget or even want to forget.  I think I want to hold the memories I have close and not let them slip away.  So I find myself not knowing what to reach for and not wanting to forget…

The Lord will Never Leave you or forsake you.  While I know this is true, and I am indeed grateful for this promise and His presence. So far I have never experienced Him filling the void in my heart that Sonya filled.  That void, the one for a partner in life, has existed even when my walk for the Lord was strongest as a single man.

So we come to the real reason I am posting to the blog -  I ask for your prayers for me.  To remind you that while her Journey has ended, mine has just altered its "heading," so to speak.  So here are my prayer requests:

1. That God will continue to provide comfort,
2. That God will raise up friends around me in Monterey that help to provide companionship and are willing and able to listen to my heart as I express this loss - my way of dealing includes expressing a lot of my thought verbally,
3. That God would give those that listen the right words and tenderness to point me back to him as my emotions come out and may cause me stumble,
4. That God would heal me and carry me through the grief that is undoubtedly ahead,
5. For my future spouse, that He would bring us together when the time is right and that she would be Sonya's equal and be able to be understanding of the love I will always have for Sonya, without feeling threatened by it,
6. That if I must be understanding of a similar loss in her life, that God would prepare my heart to be understanding and un-jealous or unthreatened as well,
7. And the comfort and patience to wait for God's timing with regard to to a new partner
8. For vision of where my life goes now and in the future.

For the last 9 years, my vision of life included Sonya - now it no longer does.  I haven't been able to make that mental adjustment yet.  I still refer to everything as "our this" or "our that."  

For the past 4 & 1/2 years, I have placed my individual social life "on hold" in order to be there for Sonya.  Sonya on the other hand, whenever she was feeling well, would go out with her friends - Mary Kay meetings and conferences, Girls night out, her Cancer Support groups,  Bunco nights…  I never felt the freedom to commit to groups as I knew I would need to withdraw the next time she did not feel well.  The result is that I do not have deep individual friendships built and family will be very far away.  So filling the idle time with friends is something that may be difficult.

I am so very grateful for the friends Sonya and I have, that have offered to be there in anyway they can.  I plan to take them up on it.  Some have even offered to have me spend the night whenever the house is just too empty.  Many have offered to have me over for dinner.  People who I have not known all that well have also offered to have me over.  For those invitations I am grateful and if you are in either of these groups, or are willing to be, please reach out to me and extend those invitations… because I may have forgotten your offer or not know how to reach you.  For the Calvary Chapel family, I especially covet your support.  To my life group, you guys have been awesome! I am sure you will continue to be there. Just know that there are many more nights of tears ahead for me - and for you as you continue to be there for me.

Over the past week the flood of communication via txt msg and facebook post and messages has been extremely encouraging.  I would ask that you all drop me a not from time to time, to see how I am doing and to offer words of encouragement.

Celebrations of Life for Sonya McLaren

Celebrations of Life for Sonya McLaren

Monterey Memorial-Saturday,10/6, 2pm @ Calvary Chapel of Monterey Bay 3001 Salinas Highway, Monterey, CA 93940

Alamosa Memorial/Internment- Tue. Alamosa, CO 81101.
Time and location are TBD

Sonya has gone home

On October 2nd, Sonya experienced the miracle of complete to enteral healing from her cancer.  She went home to begin eternity with her Lord and Savior!  Depending on your perspective, this is either an amazing miracle or deafening loss.  From my perspective it is both!

In life Sonya was an amazing person, who allowed the love of Christ to shine through her actions and relationships with all of you.  She loved life, her friends and family.  As her husband, I am well aware that much of her 4 & 1/2 year battle was fought out of her love for me!  She was never afraid of going home, rather she fought to prevent me from suffering loss and grief.  As her husband, I am proud of how she fought, how she lived, and more importantly where she found her strength to live - In Christ.

She and I were blessed to have a very full life in spite of the battle and were allowed to enjoy so many experiences together.

I am still in shock.  Even after having had 4+ years to prepare, I think I always expected that our God would provide healing this side of death for her.  So while I have been thinking about how I would handle her death for a long time, I also find myself trying to accept the Sovereignty of God in our lives in his decision to take her home.

I am surrounded by family, both Sonya's and mine.  I am so thankful for their support and I am already hoping that their support will remain tangible for some time to come, but acutely aware they all have responsibilities and families that will require them to return to their own lives.  I would ask that you all check in on me from time to time as you are enabled by our God to be a part of the support system I will need in the days, weeks, months and even years ahead.

I am excited to share that at about the same time as her passing a dear loved one accepted Christ and experienced His love!  I hope that this will be only the first of many lives that were so touched by the Love of Christ in her and will experience the unconditional love and reconciliation with God as a result.

I  suspect that this blog, Sonya's Journey, while I don't expect to rename it, may become more of a "Simon's Recovery after Sonya's Journey" sort of thing as I may choose to continue to post about my own Journey of grief and recovery.  I suspect, my story will not be as exciting or full of wonderful experiences or travels as Sonya's has been able to share with you all.  But it may serve to keep you all aware of how I am doing, and remind you to pray from me and family form time to time.  And someday, might serve to help someone else in their own journey.


In Christ,
Simon

Steps of Faith - Simon

(please forgive my typos)

Another week has gone by and it is time to provide an update to all of you who have been so faithful to pray for Sonya over the years and especially over the past two weeks as Sonya's journey has took a turn for the worse 2 weeks ago today.  Last Sunday, the Lord encouraged / directed me to bring Sonya home fast, not to accept the medical assessment that there was nothing that could be done, and to fight for her life.  In fact the direction from God's came in during a time of prayer asking God why he was allowing this all to happen. Why he had allowed her to come to point where the Dr was ready to send her home to be with her Lord…

The thought the Lord gave me was the following: "Who told you to stop fighting me for her? I might give her back."  I spent the better part of last Sunday trying to understand 2 things about that though:

1. Was it me trying to create hope?
2. If it was from God, what did it mean?

As the day went on, God reminded me that 4+ years ago, the very first place of treatment we went to was Health Quarters Ministries in Colorado Springs. In fact God provided all the finances to attend the week long program with them at that time.  With that reminder in my heart, it seemed as if God was asking me to use the tools he had shown to Sonya and I way back then.

The next battle for me was to keep my faith on God and not on the tools or method of fighting for ones health we had learned at Heath Quarters.  After all, the Lord has blessed me with one of these minds that tends to try and understand how things work.  And once it does understand it takes comfort in the "logic" of the understanding.  And all the techniques we learned at Health Quarters make sense at some level.  Again God answered with a thought, that all soldiers have weapons and learn to use them and to be efficient with them, and indeed He had provided these tools, and I was to use them and the logic of them was to serve as a reassurance that it was His leading.  But more importantly, that while solders use those weapons, the Battle itself belongs to the Lord.   With that in my heart, I no longer battled with were my faith was being placed.  It was ok for me to have/to know that the tools themselves could provide some benefit without removing my faith for God.

The rest of Sunday was spent seeking counsel from men of God. Men I trust to be honest and to respond with their perspective of God's Word, even if it might not be what I want to hear.  With each discussion, God confirmed that this was the right choice - a choice and step of faith.  

We were able to bring Sonya home mid-day Tuesday, and began to fight for her life via the simple tools we had available to us.  Nutrition, detoxification and diet.  

When Sonya came home her liver was on the verge of failure from cirrhosis.  Her legs in particular had begun to swell and she was retaining fluid in her abdomen at an alarming rate.  The medical community estimated day to max of two months before she would succumb to the liver failing and the trickle down effect that would have.

Beginning on Tuesday evening we began to provide nutrition in line with what we had learned, but were limited by her ability to hold down anything in her stomach.  We provided her small amounts of food and meal replacements when she was able to hold it down.  We also begin to adminster cleanses to help her body clean out the toxic load in her body.

Each day we could see the bilirubin level decrease and then build back up.  And with each day she regained a bit of strength and each night became harder for her.  On Wednesday evening, she was ready to go home to be with the Lord and frankly knocked on heaven's door asking to be allowed to enter.  

During this whole week, God was also working on my dart to show me that He had provided tools not only in the physical realm but also in the Spiritual realm.  Tools He showed to use were prayer (which so many around the world are already doing and continue to do… Please keep praying for Sonya) and fasting.  With that revelation we decided as a family to fast.

Thursday was a day of fasting by the members of the McLaren and Wessberg families as we sought God and asked for healing and that above all, He would be glorified in whatever his decision would be regarding Sonya's life.  We were amazed by the response via Facebook, where so many of our friends, and friends of the family stated that they would join us in fasting on Friday for Sonya's life.  I pray that each of you who were willing and able to join us, were met by your Lord and Savior in a unique way.  Again on Saturday, a few of us here in the home fasted again, continuing to seek God's help and healing.

His response:

Last night we administered a liver cleanse.  And it did not go so well.  While she was able to hold down a part of the cleansing ingredients (oil and lemon juice - sound so much easier to drink than it is!) for a couple of hours, by 9:30 pm she had thrown up most of that and the second ingredient as well.  Her pain level was extremely high and we stood by helpless to do anything other than pray for her.  In my mind, I thought there was no way she had retained enough of the cleanse ingredients to actually perform the liver cleanse and even now I am not convinced she did.  And with her pain level as high as it was - again. it looked like last night could have been the night she joined her Savior in Eternal rest.

This morning we awoke to a WOW! - PRAISE GOD! sight.  She was sleeping. Sleeping well ! - Sleep has not been easy for her to find and the swell in her legs from the thighs down was gone! Her heart rate has slowed a bit (This is a good thing as it had been working extremely hard for the past few weeks.)

We continue to allow her to rest today, trying to honor the concept of a day of rest.  And I continue to seek the Lord on the next step(s).  We don't know how complete the healing was from last night.  If it was directly from God, I suspect it is a complete healing.  If this is from the cleanse itself having had a positive effect, we still have a ways to go and continue to ask the Lord for a complete healing.

Regardless of where we are - we are praising Him this morning in the organized chaos that is the the McLaren / Wessberg household.  Along with what we have see God do in Sonya's life and with her health, He has also provided us all with so many sweet memories and joined two families in way that might not otherwise have been possible.  We stand in awe of our God and his continuing love for us!

In Christ,

Simon

Simon - Updating you all and filling in for Sonya

Well, this has week has come its own set of challenges and trials.  Through it all, God continues to provide us with strength and relief.  Last week ended with Sonya suffering from a lot of nausea.  She had been receiving radiation treatments to address a couple of spot in her back that has been causing her discomfort.  Once in particular spot sort of got this whole thing rolling.  It had been causing her enough pain that she finally gave in and began taking some pain medication to deal with the pain.  Now Sonya usually tries to avoid pain meds and they tend to make her nauseated.  So that may help shed some light on just how severe her "discomfort" was.  So between the radiation and pain meds, the nausea set in and by the end of last week she was having a really rough go of it.  She had not be able to eat very much and that was taking its toll.

On Monday, she drove her self to her next radiation appointment, but when she checkin in, she was nauseated and the staff asked her a few questions and decided to admit her to the hospital and forgo the radiation treatment for the day.

So today we are on day 5 of er hospital stay.  She continues to be very week, still not eating very much and retailing a lot of fluid.  By a lot I  means she has now had her abdomen drained both last week and yesterday.  Each time they drained off more than 4 litters of fluid.  Each time, that has relieved a lot of pressure in her abdomen.  She has also had a cough that has been getting slowly worse over the past few months, and today they drained 1.2 litters of fluid from one lung.

This seems to help her breath easier and she has been able to eat a bit more this evening that she has the past few days, but the amount of food she has eaten still remains small.

We have been reading PS 27 together as a couple for a few weeks each time her spirits are down.  She has her moments where is is just tired and not sure how to express her weariness.  We relate so well to so much of it right now.

The Doctor , has had a game plan for us this week:

Get the nausea under control, get the cough under control, help her regain her strength  and see if we can slow down the fluid retention in the abdomen as wel as draining the fluid from the lung and abdomen.  So we seem to have been able to get some of that accomplished, but she still has a ways to go before we can take her home.

Please lift her up in prayer as you have time and the Lord brings her to mind.  Some very specific requests include:

• Peace in her heart, this last few weeks have been very discouraging to her.
• Sleep, some of the discomfort and medications have made it difficult to sleep at night and you know nurses and the constant checking in on you at the hospital - uninterrupted sleep can be impossible to get.
• That she would be able to eat and regain her strength
• That the pain in her back would not return and that the radiation treatments will have been successful.  (She still has 7 treatments left if they complete the treatment plan)
• That she would stop retaining fluids and that what ever the underling issue is would be addresses or healed.
• And as we have from the very beginning of this journey - for a complete healing that only our Lord can provide. We ask that you stand with us in prayer and claim the promises and declarations of the Lord:

Ex: 15:26 ... , If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the Lord thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the Lord that healeth thee.

Is 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

In Christ,
Simon

In good times & bad.....

I am so thankful for my husband, Simon.  He is so good to me.  8 years ago when we said our vows "in good times and in bad times, in sickness & in health...."  neither one of us knew the challenges that were ahead, especially the in sickness part.  The last few weeks have been very rough on both of us.  I haven't been feeling well at all, have extreme back bain, bloating in my abdomen, nausea and more.  Through all of it Simon has been right by my side, helping me with anything I may need.  Getting me food, doing the laundry, cleaning the house.....jobs that I have been to weak to do myself.  But most of all, being here to give me a hug when I need it or praying with me when I am worked up and my mind wanders down the "what if" path. 

So many times throughout this cancer journey I have cried out to God asking for Him to do a mighty work of healing in my body.  It seems that every time I ask for healing, God chooses to allow another trial, or bump in the road.  Many times I've asked God "why me" and many times I have told God that I've reached the limit of what I can handle--yet it's as if He keeps stretching me and saying "I will never give you more than you can handle". 

Faith is hard....it's hard when you are in the midst of a trial that you can't control.  When things are going fine, it's easy to say, yes, I have faith.  But when the real trials of life come and you have to rely on the Lord 100%--it's not as easy as it sounds.  At least not for me. 

I'm not sure what the future holds.  I don't know if the Lord is going to miraculously heal me.....or if He will choose to take me home.  either way, I know that HE loves me and His ways are not my ways.  So as you pray for me, please remember to pray for Simon too.  This hasn't been an easy road for him either.  We love you and thank you for your prayers on our behalf.

Sonya

Specific prayer request:
1) Swelling in my abdoment to go away
2)  Pain & nausea to go away
3)  Encouragment for Simon and I
4)  Radiation treatments to be successful

Update

I hope all of you had a happy 4th of July spending time with your family & friends. I just had a follow up appointment with my doctor (they are every month now) and he was very pleased with my most recent lab results. When I stopped my chemo and started my new oral medication my cancer levels went from 500 up to 900 (this is expected so we were not worried). My most recent cancer level as of last week had already dropped my level down to the 600 range. This news made both me and my doctor happy! Praise the Lord!! Simon and I recently got back from Colorado (yes another trip). We went back for Simons cousins wedding and his youngest brothers high school graduation celebration. We had a great time with family and enjoyed the warmer weather. We were about 3 hours from the fires. Thank you for your continued prayers--I know without a doubt that my "good" levels are a result of your continued prayers on my behalf! Sonya

Hear My Heart video

Tests, tests & more tests!!

I have quite a bit to update you on since my last post. A few weeks ago my cancer levels started rising again so my Dr sent me up to Stanford to get their opinion on treatment, etc.... He thought they might be aware of upcoming drug trials that he didn't know about yet. I met with a doctor up there and her major concern was my decreasing platelet count. She thought that if those levels keep going down then they would not be able to give me chemo and it might put us "in a box" as far as treatment is concerned. She advised that I have almost every scan known to mankind just so we can get a good knowledge of exactly where we stand. When I went to see her, my abdomen was very swollen and they thought it was excess trapped fluid and we might need to drain it. Well, Simon and I were on our way to Maryland/DC to see our good friends. We were there a little over a week and had a wonderful time! We went to Mt. Vernon, Amish country, saw the Natural History Museum, the bureau of printing and engraving and more. We even had the chance to meet my family at Gettysburg one afternoon and spend time with them! It was a geat trip! Once we got home, I met with my doctor and he scheduled me for all my scans. This past Friday I had a bone scan, a ct scan and an X-ray. On Monday I had a doplar ultrasound to see if there is a blockage in my portal vein. I'm now awaiting the results. My stomach keeps getting larger and larger(with much pain and pressure ). I had a lady ask me if I was pregnant the other day(which was a first ever for me). I think she was a little embarrassed when I just said "no". I wanted to cry! :( Last night I had some extreme pain/pressure in my lower back. I think the air/fluid from my abdomen is making my back ache. Please pray that the pressure in my stomach can be relieved and that the scans can determine what the problem is. Love to all of you! Sonya

A wonderful answer to prayer

Many of you know that I went to Oasis of Hope in Mexico for treatment.  One of the times we were there, we met a lovely couple named Ross & Deedy Carrier.  Deedy was being treated for lung cancer (I believe stage 4).  She did the treatments, and also did some treatment here stateside as well.  Since we met them we have been praying for Deedy that the Lord would heal her of her cancer.  This past Thursday I received the following email:

Dear Mighty Prayer Warriors, 

Today I have received my 2nd day of treatment here @ OOH. It has been comforting to be back here under the loving care of the doctors and staff here. It is always good to see the wonderful people who work here and also to meet new patients and hear about their journeys. I am very blessed to have my sister, Sally, here with me and today my brother, Sam, and my sister, Debbie, joined us! So we are having a party in my room! After reviewing my blood work and Pet scan results the doctor here was pleased to tell me I am in remission and CANCER FREE! They are recommending me to continue my home treatment of supplements & medications with a follow up here at OOH only if necessary in 6 mths. He said most patients continue to improve with the home treatment and do not need the trips back here unless there is a fall back. 

I am so very thankful for the blessings God has given me! What an amazing and powerful God we serve! I pray my life may be a offering to him for His Glory! Thank you for your continued prayers. You are all a part of God's miracle in my life. 

We are rejoicing with her and this wonderful news!  We serve a great God who does hear & answer our prayer!!  He is the great physician!!!!  May all the glory & honor belong to HIM!!!

A Faith that God can use our weakness

On Sunday morning for the past few weeks our pastor has been teaching from Hebrews 11--the hall of faith chapter.  This past Sunday's message especially touched my heart.  He was speaking about the faith of the Judges:  Gideon, Barak, Samson & Jephthah.  The one that really spoke to me was Gideon--he had a faith that God could use him even despite his weakness.

You probably know the story, when Gideon was preparing for battle he and his men were having to fight against 135,000 men.  God told Gideon that he had too many men and was to tell all of the men who were afraid to return home.  22,000 men left and only 10,000 remained.  God once again told Gideon that he had too many men (knowing that if they won the victory that they would say it was of their own doing and not give God the glory).  God told Gideon to take his men down to the river and test them....see who put their faces into the water to drink vs. those who were cautious and knelt down to drink the water.  Those that put their faces into the water were to go home--that was 9,700 men.  Only 300 men remained! 300 vs. 135,000--not the best odds.

God then told Gideon that He would use those 300 men!  He did, they blew the trumpets, broke the pitchers and shined their torches and shouted "The sword of the Lord and of Gideon".  The enemy who didn't realize what was happening, fought amongst themselves and killed each other and the battle was won.  (that's a very short version of the story)

In thinking about this story there have been many times in my life where I have been fearful.  I've been fearful about my health, fearful about all the "what if's.  I then realized that throughout my cancer journey I've been a lot like Gideon.  I know that I have a battle to face, and I have been trying my best to do everything, in a sense, in my own power to try to kill the cancer in my body (surgery, chemo, radiation, supplements, diet, etc...).  Not that doing any of these things are wrong, but God showed me this past week that if I did the chemo and was healed, or if I changed my diet and was healed that I would probably not give God the full credit He deserves-I would say "the chemo worked".  He slowly has been "reducing my army"....getting me down to the point where if He chooses to heal my body from cancer that I will only give Him the glory and Him alone!  A true test of my faith.  A faith that God can, and will use me in all my weaknesses.  

"My grace is sufficient for you for my faith is made perfect in weakness"

ATT: Prayer Warriors

I'm sitting in the hospital getting my chemo and thought I would give you another update.  I had my scheduled follow up with my doctor on Wednesday and the appointment went well.  My cancer levels have gone up just a bit (he thinks it is due to them leveling off since they have dropped so much over the past few months).  He told me it was nothing to be concerned about but that we would continue to monitor the levels in case they do start to rise again.  I am scheduled for a CT scan on Monday (I normally have them every 3 months) so it is a perfect time for me to have another one to see what the cancer is doing now.  I'm asking all of my prayer warriors out there to pray that the Lord will bring complete healing in my body.  The Bible tells us that it takes only the faith of a mustard seed (but many times it is hard for me to have faith even that small).  My doctor has told me that there will always be "scar tissue" and/or tumors that are in my liver that will show up on a CT scan.  However, I serve the Great Physician who can, if He so chooses, to allow the CT scan to be free and clear of everything--tumors & scar tissue!! I'm asking all of you to continue to pray the Lord's will be done (but asking in faith that He will provide that miracle in my life).  My CT scan is scheduled for this coming Monday at 2:30pm.

No news is good news.....

I've been reminded yet once again to update my blog :)  There really hasn't been anything to post so I've figured "no news is good news".  I've had my chemo every other week--with labs at the hospital every week.  I have my normal follow up appointment with my doctor the middle of next week so we will see what he says.  My treatments have been going great with no side effects and I feel really good.

Last week Simon and I bought a Vitamix.  We have heard so many good things about them and everyone we know that has one LOVES it.  Well, I do too.  Since we purchased it I have had a smoothie every day!!  I've also made soup and sherbet too--all with healthy ingredients.  Some of the smoothies I've made look really gross (cause I add spinach, etc...) but they are very tasty!! :)  Easy to make & easy to clean.  I'm one happy girl!!

May you have a blessed weekend--remember to change your clocks on Sunday!!

Another update....

Last Friday I had another CT scan.  I got the results faxed to me and when I read over the report the news didn't look good.  The report stated that I had progression in the cancer in my bones....or at least that is what I thought.  I called and talked with my sister, Lanissa, and she said she would pray that I read the report wrong.  I had an appointment with my doctor this past week and sure enough the report wasn't the bad news that I had expected.  My doctor told me that my cancer levels are continuing to drop.  They are now down to 484! (The last level was 758)   The CT scan was not clear about the progression of cancer in my bones.  It did state that there were "sclerotic lesions" which my doctor explained to me were lesions that were healing.  The Lord answered my sister's prayer--I had read the report totally wrong!

My doctor decided to add another medication to my chemotherapy.  It's a drug called Zometa and it is supposed to help strengthen my bones.  I had my first dose on Friday and overall feel pretty good.  There are some side effects after the treatment--slight fever, flu-like symptoms, some bone pain but should go away within the week.

We are continuing to pray for complete healing but thanking the Lord for another good report!

God is good ALL the time!

Sonya